Why do we at times break the Sista Code

Posted by  on 0 Comments

“She was listening intently to the young girls sharing a little spiel in English, on what they hope to ‘become’ when they grow up.  She is German, blond and used to cold winters and corporate life.  Here she is sitting in the heat of Bali teaching English – why – because she took two months off and could not think of a better thing to do.  What started with a weekly session has turned into daily sessions and when she says her final ‘goodbye’ later that day the tears are flowing.  She has forever changed these girls, given them hope and encouraged them in pursuing their dreams.”

The young girls mentioned above are part of the Kartini Project, a project named after the young woman who worked to ensure that Indonesian women got the right to vote.  Kartini is about giving young girls a chance, a chance to continue on at school.  And they do, some have gone from no sense of the future (only option was becoming a maid and earing $30 a month, which doesn’t even pay for their own rice) to wanting to become doctors, teachers, chefs and tourist guides.

A couple of us are their ‘extra mothers’ and in every way it feels wholesome to be supporting our sisters to have a better future.  I am sure we have all familiar with this wonderful feeling of generosity and kindness.

But what, at times, gets in the way of this feeling of generosity towards other women?

Competition is a big one, and we are more vulnerable to be captured by it when we don’t feel good about ourselves and our life.  Competition gets in the way when we look at other women and see that they have a nicer body than ours, better jewelry, are more popular, have a great husband, amazing kids, look great, have a amazing clothes, been promoted, have a amazing holidays, have become well-known etc.  We might then shrink a little with our sense of inadequacy. 

We are reducing ourselves and the other person to just a representation of our own ego, and in the process missing their beauty, kindness, pain, their humanity. We are not seeing the other person, we are seeing what they represent to us and what they flag; our sense of inadequacy, not feeling good enough, feeling of failure, disappointment.

When we project our internal sense of inadequacy upon someone else, making it about them, we miss the opportunity to grow and learn from the experience.  We miss the opportunity to celebrate and enjoy the beauty, ability and kindness of another woman.

Next time when you feel threatened, bitchy or unkind towards another woman, shift the focus onto what you can do something about.  Fill your own cup, accept where you are at and do what it takes to get yourself to where you want to be or focus on gratitude for what you already have.

Charlotte Thaarup-Owen

Charlotte Thaarup-Owen is an internationally experienced consultant and transformative educator. She facilitates mindfulness and mindfulness based workshops both locally and abroad. She is trained in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and is an accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner. Charlotte is a mediator and coach with over 20 years experience in facilitating change and personal and interpersonal development. Charlotte is a public speaker, does mindfulness coaching as well as training and has produced the “Ten Minute Wonders”, a meditation CD.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *